"It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice."

-Jay Leno

"Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker."

-David Letterman

"A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America."

-Conan O'Brien

"It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex."

-Jay Leno

"They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky!"

-Craig Ferguson

"Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry."

-Jay Leno

"The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups."

-Conan O'Brien

"A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right."

-Jay Leno

"Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, 'Houston, I have a problem.'"

-Conan O'Brien